I mention this ancient story because I read with interest a commentary by Pamela Paul in the New York Times the other day entitled, “Cyberparenting and the Risk of T.M.I.” In general, I felt that Ms. Paul’s piece was interesting in how it pointed out the issues ranging from becoming your child’s Facebook friend to having your teen migrate to newer sites such as Snapchat, Instagram and Tumblr and keep you out of the loop. I was particularly interested in her thoughts about Karen Sanders, the 49-year-old mother of two, who mentioned that her 15-year-old daughter would keep changing her passwords, denying access to her mother.

I was most struck by one remark in the article: “Like most savvy parents, Ms. Sanders has installed parental controls on the family computers, but has found the phrase ‘how to take parental controls off’ in their search history.” I actually had a good, hearty laugh at this, because this is a challenge that I give moms and dads when I speak with parent groups all over the world. I tell them that no matter what software they install on their child’s computer, that child can — and will — find a “workaround” in under a minute. I have even had parents email me to tell me they watched their children do just that and were amazed and a bit chagrined that they had underestimated their child’s own “savvy.”

In a late 2012 Huffington Post article entitled “The TALK Model of Parenting High-Tech Children, Teens and Young Adults,” I introduced a model of parenting that rests on two pillars: “T” for Trust and “K” for Communication (yes, I know that Communication starts with a “C,” but TALC was not a great acronym, as it suggested baby powder). When I introduce the model in my talks, I make sure that parents realize that by installing monitoring software — even if their son or daughter is aware of the software — what you are saying is “I don’t trust you to make the right choices.” This is a parenting issue tantamount to teaching your children to avoid drugs or even to look both ways before crossing the street.

My suggestion is to be that unique parent that talks to your children about dangers and works with your child from a young age to build their trust. That way, when they are at a party and are offered drugs or when they receive a communication that makes them feel uncomfortable or even upset, they will talk to the person who spent time developing their trust: you, their parent.

Here are two simple suggestions for developing that trust:

I always recommend that parents start to have weekly family discussions about technology use as soon as they allow their children to use a smartphone or to be on the Internet. This means that you start when you hand your 2-year-old an iPhone and allow her to play with an app or to email grandma and grandpa. The meetings must be short. When the kids are little, a meeting should last only a few minutes, and as they get older, the meeting might be as long as 15 minutes, but no longer, as that is pushing against a teenager’s ability to attend and focus without his/her thoughts wandering back to their virtual social worlds and what they might be missing. The set-up is simple. Everyone sits on the floor, which removes some of the feeling of powerful, taller mom and dad hovering over tiny children or even preteens. Everyone turns his or her technology off and then mom or dad asks a question. When kids are young, it might be something like, “What is your favorite iPhone app and why do you like it?” or “What fun videos did you watch this week?” As the kids get older, the meetings expand and the questions turn to more feelings-based issues such as, “I heard about someone being bullied online. Do you know anyone that has been cyberbullied? What happened and how did they feel?” or “Have you ever seen images online that made you feel uncomfortable? Can you tell me what you felt?” The bottom line is that once the question has been asked, the parent’s job is to sit quietly, with a neutral or positive expression and not say a word. This is the time to use your parental radar to really listen to your kids and assess any threats to their psyches.

Weekly family dinners can be used for similar discussions. Again, technology needs to be turned off — although a 1-2 minute tech break in the middle of dinner is advised to allow everyone to check in and reduce the anxiety they might be feeling about what they are missing out on in their virtual world — and parents ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. Research shows that four or more family meals a week help develop trust and a healthy family system which is how you get your children conditioned to talk to you when problems arise, which, trust me they will.

In a future post, I plan to discuss a new model that I have for parenting, or rather an addition to my TALK model. It involves being a GEEK, but not in the way that you might think. Stay tuned!

Addendum: By the way, my sister told me a few years ago that she knew I had looked at her diary as she saw the scratches on the lock and I didn’t fool her by putting it back exactly in the position it was where I found it. If you, the parent, think you can fool your kids by peeking at their history while they sleep or checking their Google searches or installing background software, you are probably not fooling anyone, particularly not your cyber-savvy child! You are only saying, “I don’t trust you to make the right decisions or come to me and talk through the issue and the options.”

I am privileged to speak to groups of students, parents and educators around the world mostly due to having researched and written books about the impact of technology for more than a quarter century. I actually started studying what has been termed the “psychology of technology” way back in 1984 when Apple introduced the Macintosh in a stunning Superbowl advertisement that promised us that, “1984 won’t be like 1984″ and tomorrow’s computers would herald a change from the humdrum world of IBM computers to the highly engrossing world of the Mac. And, indeed, it did change the world. And what followed were even more and better tools that moved us from a mouse and keyboard to a touch screen on a device that we can carry with us 24/7/365.

I talk to parents about how technology is such an interesting double-edged sword. On the one hand there are more apps than one could ever want to teach your children math, science, reading and a host of other skills. My granddaughter, who just turned a year old, loves math apps and Paint Sparkles as well as trying to follow the swimming fish on the iPad screen. I have watched even younger children grab an iPhone or iPad and touch and swipe and find their favorite games or videos in seconds and then sit absorbed for long periods of time.

The critical questions are: Is this bad for our children? Is it wrong to provide them the most up-to-date tools for both entertainment and teaching? Is it wrong to want to see our children smile and grin as they watch their favorite videos? The little girl in the UK who was being treated for iPad addiction is one example of what can happen if a child is left to play with these toys for hours on end. On the one hand it is comforting (and useful) to have your child so easily entertained. After all, isn’t that what we used to do with the television? When mom or dad needed some time to make dinner or do a bit of work they knew that they could sit their child in front of a Disney video and they would have a respite while their little couch potato sat absorbed.

The new touch screen gadgets offer a different experience and one that I tell parents demands more structure. Television is a passive medium and, as such, requires less use of certain brain areas than active media such as iPads, iPhones and computers. Compared to gazing slack eyed at the TV screen, making decisions about what to touch and where to swipe activate different areas of the prefrontal cortex, not to mention what it does in the amygdala in producing emotional reactions to these decisions. And we see what happens if you don’t limit these active participation. The child continues to be reinforced in the highly engaging e-world and more mundane worlds, such as playing with toys or watching TV, pale in comparison.

When I talk to parents I discuss three main issues that can arise from allowing their children to overuse technology:

Lack of time for essential personal interactions in the real world
Lack of time for creative thought and mind wandering
Lack of time for calming overactive brains

Although e-communication is not that prevalent among young children, the overuse of technology keeps them from spending time playing with their parents, siblings or peers. As these young children grow up and embrace electronic communication, as do their older preteen and teenage siblings (a typical teen would rather connect with their friends through texting and social media than face-to-face), they are sending and receiving messages behind glass screens. And behind a screen you do not see anyone but yourself reflected back. You don’t have a sense of the “context” that the recipient finds himself in nor do you have an understanding of how your message impacts that person. And adding in the occasional LOL or smiley face is not sufficient. Without this contextual information from those receiving your messages, you will have a very difficult time learning the pragmatics of communication including an understanding of the impact that your words have on the other person as well as the niceties of back-and-forth communication. Learning these skills was far easier before technology arrived and we parked ourselves and our children in front of those high-def screens.

Our brains have a specialized mechanism, called the Default Mode Network, which has been appraised as being operational during daydreaming, mind wandering and other non-task-oriented behaviors. If you are constantly and actively making decisions about what to do on an iPad, you will not activate the DMN which neuroscientists are now understanding keeps your mind focused and does not allow for the types of “ah ha” experiences gleaned during mind wandering.

Finally, neuroscientists have begun to show evidence that interactions with technology over-stimulate your brain. Dr. Gary Small at UCLA demonstrated this with brain scans of older adults who had never used the Internet showing more activity when using Google than when reading a book. Other studies have validated that the constant task switching afforded by multi-screen technologies activates more of your brain than simply working on a single task to completion.

What is the solution? I tell parents that children need to use technology at a ratio of 1 to 5 meaning that for every minute of tech use there should be an equivalent 5 minutes of time spent doing something else including talking to people, interacting with toys that promote creativity (and mind wandering) and doing activities that calm an overactive brain. So, if your child uses an iPad for 30 minutes (my recommendation of the maximum time for a child up to around four or five-years-old) then he or she should do some other activities for 150 minutes to balance out their brains and to allow for practice communicating and mind wandering. As the child gets older, the ratio starts to change and around the time your child is a preteen the ratio is usually about half and half. When technology becomes more prevalent in the teen school and social life that ratio flips to 5 to 1 with teens still needing time away from technology but also needing to connect with their schoolwork and their virtual social worlds.

One further piece of the puzzle concerns the amount of time spent using technology before taking breaks. Dr. Nathaniel Kleitman was well known for his work on sleeping behavior, teaching us that our sleep comes in roughly 90-minute cycles, each culminating in a dream state. Kleitman also talked about a BRAC — Basic Rest and Activity Cycle — that we maintain during the day that is also around 90 minutes. After about 90 minutes of technology interaction we all need a short rest–I advocate about 10 minutes–and neuroscience can tell us what we can do to calm our brains and make them more available for completing our work in an expeditious manner. For example, a recent study by Dr. Richard Coyne and his colleagues showed that if you walk in nature your brain activity calms to a state of involuntary attention, which is much less activating and energizing. Other research has shown that looking at art, listening to or playing music, practicing a foreign language, exercising, meditating, taking a warm bath or shower, or even having a pleasant conversation with a friend face-to-face or on the phone calms your brain. And for an added bonus, many of these activities have also been shown to enable your Default Mode Network. Many people report that they get their most creative ideas when wandering in nature or taking a hot shower or bath. Neuroscientists agree.

The bottom line is that we need to start taking care of our children’s brains — and our own — as early as possible. Start when they are little with technology in moderation and opportunities for mind wandering, creative activities and your child will grow up with solid communication and thinking skills.

Dealing with technology in a family system takes special care and in my 2008 book, Me, MySpace, and I: Parenting the Net Generation, I introduced the TALK Model of Parenting. I realize that MySpace is not the rage it once was, and four years in real time is equal to decades in techno-time, but the model is still valid and useful in our post-MySpace, social media, electronically-tethered world. Here are the components:

“T” is for Trust

With the media constantly highlighting scary aspects of the online world — particularly for teens — it is imperative that parents develop an environment of trust between themselves and their high-tech children, teens and even young adults. In a perfect world, parents should start the process by instituting weekly family meetings as soon as their children use ANY form of media or technology. Yes, this includes television. As soon as your kids start watching TV or you hand them your iPhone or iPad to keep them occupied, you should have family meetings. When kids are young these meetings should last no more than five minutes and the time should increase to no more than 15 minutes when they become teenagers. Everyone sits on the floor — roughly equalizing height and, therefore, perceived power — and the parents start by asking a question about technology. With little ones it might be something along the lines of, “What is your favorite TV show and what do you like about it?” My rule is that parents ask a question and then sit back and listen with a nonjudgmental attitude (and a smile on their faces) and use their parental radar to listen carefully for signs of potential issues. Being nonjudgmental helps develop trust. As the children age the talks lengthen and the questions focus more on psychological issues. For a teenager, I might ask something like, “I have heard that some kids get bullied online. Do you know anyone who has been bullied? What happened and how did they feel (or how do you think they felt)?” Then sit back and listen (and smile). Weekly meetings develop trust so that when your child encounters something online or anywhere in their electronic world that makes them uncomfortable they will come to you for your help.

There are also some parenting strategies that make developing trust more difficult. Checking your child’s computer without their knowledge, installing technological filters (regardless of whether your child is aware of them or not) and severe, reactive punishments for misuse of technology all work against developing a sense of trust. Don’t believe that your children won’t know if you check up on them clandestinely. They will figure it out. Don’t believe that if you install a filter on your child’s computer they won’t be able to figure out a workaround. Google “workaround” followed by the name of any tracking program, and you will find websites that show how to disable the software or even how to circumvent it without the installer (you) being aware that it is no longer functional.

“A” is for Assess

You should not allow children or even teenagers to use technology behind closed doors. Research shows that those children who have technology in their bedrooms — in what I term a “TechnoCocoon” — are more likely to have problems surrounding their use including sleep difficulties and misuse of the technology. Ideally, technology should be placed in a common area and parents should be able to observe at any time. If that is not possible, and the technology needs to be in a bedroom, parents need to institute an open-door policy whereby they are allowed to walk in and look at what is on the screen or examine text messages or whatever activity is ongoing. Beware that your kids may suddenly close windows or hide screens when you walk by. Practice good behavioral parenting and set up contingencies for this occurrence. For example, if you think that your teenager is closing screens he doesn’t want you to see, then set up a contingent punishment schedule such as: “The first time you close a screen you will lose your computer use for an hour. The second time it will double to two hours, and then four hours and so on.” By the way, if you have no idea how to tell if your teenager closed a screen, ask him to show you how to access the history on his computer. That’s where you will find the screens that were open and are now closed. If the history has been cleared that is a sign that your teen doesn’t want you to see what he has been doing (and also should lead to the same penalties).

I highly recommend that you practice what is called “co-viewing,” which is a term from television research where you watch TV with your kids and then discuss what you just saw on the screen in order to help them better understand and integrate the show material. You can do the same with computers. Sit down with your kids and ask them to show you stuff on the computer, smartphone or tablet — interesting websites, new apps, new games — and then talk to them about how they are using them and what they feel about any potential issues of problems.

As a special case of “A” you should plan to visit your teen’s or young adult’s social media sites. I tell parents to inform their kids that in 24 hours from now, you will sit with them and go through their Facebook page or whatever social media they use. This gives them time to clean it up and make it parent-ready. Have them show you what is there. Click on the links to friends’ pages, particularly any “friends” that you do not know personally. And let them know that after this first look-see you will be stopping in periodically with no warning to see how they are doing. This should be fodder for a family discussion!

“L” is for Learn

You have to learn about the technologies that your kids are using. You don’t have to be an expert but you do need to keep tabs on what is new in their virtual worlds. The best way is to ask your kids regularly to show you new stuff. Over time, they develop a sense of pride in their knowledge and skills and also you develop more of that trust that is one cornerstone of this model. Also ask your kids’ friends parents what their kids are using and make it a habit to check in with any families where your kids spend a lot of time. When my younger daughter was growing up she used to do her homework at a neighbor’s house with a girl in her classes and a third girl, whose parents did not allow her any Internet access during the school week, often joined them. Guess what they were doing? Yep! Hanging out on the Internet. You need to form an alliance with your children’s parents and make a pact that everyone share what the kids are doing with technology at their homes, whether it is watching television (and particularly what channels they are allowed to watch), playing video games, surfing the net or using their smartphones. It is difficult enough to establish technology rules and guidelines for your own home, but it is imperative that you factor in other places where your children may encounter technology.

“K” is for Communicate

The other cornerstone of the TALK Model of Parenting is communication. (Yes, I know that “communication” starts with a “C” and not a “K,” but a TALC Model of Parenting sounds too much like baby powder.) Communication means making opportunities to talk to your children about technology. The weekly family meetings that I described earlier will promote communication, particularly if you spend the majority of the time listening rather than commenting. Family dinners are an excellent time to talk about technology. Once again, it is important that dinner be a time without technology (and that means that mom and dad can’t check their phones during dinner and the television must be turned off). If your family is having trouble ditching technology for a 45-minute dinner then try using “tech breaks” that I described in an earlier Huffington Post blog entitled, “Helping Your Children Study Amidst Distracting Technologies.”

The key to communicating with your kids about technology is to ask them lots of open-ended questions relevant to their developmental age. As I mentioned earlier with family meetings, when they are young, ask very concrete questions such as “What is your favorite app on mommy’s iPad?” As they get older you can ask more “social” questions such as “What’s your favorite TV show?” or “Why do you like to text your friends?” or “What is fun about watching videos on YouTube?” or even, as they get older, “Do you know anyone who has been bullied online? What happened and how did they feel?” You can see that as your children get older, the topics evolve and involve more processing of their feelings. If you have been working on developing trust then they will be eager to talk about these issues. It is really all about Trust and “K”ommunication! Use any opportunity to foster both and don’t let your kids escape through technology.

The American Pediatric Association says to avoid television and other media technologies for infants and children under age 2. That is a great guideline but, as all parents know, kids love technology and are attracted to it no matter what it is. And with such attractive technologies as tablets, smartphones and other portable technologies, it is very easy to entertain your child with technology. I have two rules of thumb that I teach parents. First and foremost is that when you infant or child is using technology they should not be alone. You should practice co-viewing and sit with your child and interact with them about what they are seeing and hearing. I just sat with a 6-month-old and tried out an iPad app called “Laugh & Learn (by Fisher-Price). All it involves is touching the screen to release a colorful heart, square, triangle or circle, which jump around and send out all sort of sparkles and talk to you telling what they are and what they are doing. Simple by adult standards, but the 6-month-old loved it for about five minutes. Yes, this is a form of media, but it is also a learning tool and stimulates the imagination.

My second rule of thumb is that the ratio of screen time to real-world time should be one to five for the youngest ones, meaning that for every minute of screen time there should be five minutes of non-screen time. So, the 6-month-old now needs some real-world time for 25 minutes. I took him outside, showed him flowers, let him try to shove one in his mouth, and then had him practice crawling (you should see how hard he will try to crawl to get at that iPad!).

As children get older they are going to want more media so the 1:5 ratio now starts to change to 2:5 and so on, so that when kids are in their preteens, the ratio should be 5:5 and then as they get older it will, by the nature of social media and e-communication, should end up at 5:1 when they are teenagers. HOWEVER, and this is important, the majority of this tech time should be spent co-viewing.

There are many ways to parent your high-tech children, teens and young adults surrounding their world of technology. The TALK Model is just one way that I have found helps parents flexibly engage their children while managing their technology use.

The results were startling and sobering:

• Students of all ages were able to focus and stay on task for an average of only three minutes before being distracted.

• The main distractors turned out to be information coming from their smartphones and their computers.

Almost as an afterthought, we also asked about their school grades and examined what activities during the 15-minute study period might separate good and bad students. Some of what we found surprised us and some provided sobering thoughts for the future of our students.

Once again, the results were fascinating. The good students were those who:

• Stayed on task for longer periods of time before becoming distracted and

• Had strategies that they applied while studying.

The bad students — those with lower GPAs — were those who:

• Consumed more media of all types during a typical day,

• Had a preference for working on several tasks at the same time and switching back and forth between them.

One additional result stunned us: If the student checked Facebook just once during the 15-minute study period, he or she had a lower GPA. It didn’t matter if they had Facebook on their computer screen the entire time or if they just checked it once on their computer or phone. Checking in with social media appears to be a marker for poorer school performance.

I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOUR CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS SHOULD NOT BE USING FACEBOOK.

What I am saying is that electronic communication, particularly social media — which has reached nearly 100% penetration among preteens and teens — has a strong attraction and draw and it appears that young students can’t help themselves from checking it frequently. Our research shows that the vast majority of teenagers check their e-communication tools every 15 minutes or less and if they can’t check in that often, they get highly anxious.

SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

I can tell you what it is not. It is not about taking away all technology and it is not about making them finish their homework before they even get to play video games, check Facebook, text their friends and use their various technological appendages (yes, these devices are every bit as important to them as an arm or a leg). That strategy will not work because even if you remove all technology from their study environment out of sight is not only NOT out of mind but it is FIRMLY IN MIND. In fact, our research shows that for teens and young adults thinking about what they might be missing out on in their virtual worlds — often referred to as FOMO, or fear of missing out — is anxiety-provoking and distracting, perhaps even more distracting than watching their smartphone announce a new text message or phone call.

The solution is a bit counterintuitive, but it works. It is called a “Technology Break,” or a “Tech Break” for short. Here is how it works. As soon as your son or daughter is ready to do their homework, they get a 1-2 minute tech break (this is negotiable and longer tech breaks can be used as a reinforcement for good studying behavior) during which they can use their phone, computer or whatever technology they desire. At this point, all technology is turned off including the TV, music, smartphone and computer. If the computer is needed for homework, make sure that only the necessary applications or websites are open and nothing else. Have your son or daughter set their phone on silent and set an alarm to ring in 15 minutes. When it rings, they get a tech break to check in with their phone, their computer, whatever for the same one to two minutes and then the process begins again. I like to start with a one-minute tech break and 15-minute study period and then slowly lengthen the study period by about five minutes every few days until you get to about 30 minutes, which is the maximum time most kids can stay disconnected. You can also increase the tech break time from one minute up to whatever you want. Use this as a negotiating tool with your children and as a bonus for good studying behavior.

Tech Breaks sound strange and some parents worry that by doing so they are giving in to their kids, but in fact the opposite is true. Kids appreciate knowing exactly when they will get to check in with their virtual worlds and that it will not be an undefined long time such as “when your homework is done, you can use your phone.” It is adaptable, fair to both parents and kids, and it works.